I feel an ass kicking coming...

And when I decide to kick some ass, you better believe that you're gonna get whipped, boooiiiii.

Some terror-sympathizing creature named Kos has written on his little screed a post entitled "Name three good things Bush has done," in which a bunch of girly-boys (thanks for letting me use that, Ann) take me to task for not improving their poor sorry-ass lives. Like that's my job, whiners.

Dudes, I've done plenty so far, and I'm just getting started! Unemployment is up (good for my corporate-jet peeps who can now pay people less), povery is up (I like watching brown kids go hungy), we have a record deficit (which will make it easier to cut liberal programs like Social Security and public schools in my next term), I've given everybody who deserves tax cuts some big 'uns (which will mean more donations to me an my PAC fronts), and serious crime is up (which means I can make some ads scaring granny about a black rapist that'll get me elected.)

Okay, you may be thinking that I didn't have something to do with all those. That it was just pure dumb luck. Don't think so, jackasses.

Rove is a genius. Seriously, the guy knows more than anybody I know. Look at it this way, Fatboy Bill Clinton never had Rove, and he never had all the success that I've had. Sure, DemoRats may not see it that way, but my people know the plan. We're all richer than God, and you're not! Ha ha ha!

Boom!

Holy Christ! Codi just told me that a big-ass car bomb just blew the hell out of a hotel in Bag-dad! Actually, when she told me, I said something else, but I can't repeat that here for national security reasons.

Not only that, but Condi said something about the bomb hit the home of the U.N. over there. Actually, I don't give a crap about the U.N., so who cares.

What I just can't wrap my brain around is why are those Iraqis aren't respecting my authority? I told the dirty darkies that the war was over a long time ago. They ripped down the statues, threw flowers, and everything. Now they're trying to blow stuff up?

So after talking it over with my economic team, I've decided to cut taxes for all of Iraq! You hear me, you flea-infested vermin?! No more taxes! Does that make you happy? Can you just stop making me look bad now?

evildoers all around us

Go boy! I heard today that my buddy Roger Ailes over at the greatest TV channel ever (FOX NEWS, boiiii) is suing the hell out of some guy named Al Franken for the title of his book. Something about "Fair & Balanced" being an official FOX News slogan, which, of course, was my idea.

It's true! Before Mr. Roger was running FOX NEWS, he was dad's media coach and a good friend of mine. Well, not really a good friend, but a powerful man who helped me get elected cause he knew what was good for him.

Anyways, I don't know this "Al" guy, but I definiately have a problem with anybody named "Al". It's just a lame name. Al... Aaallll. Alllll. That's not a name, it's a... something else.

If that wasn't enough, Al Franken's ansestors killed Jesus Christ! I saw this movie the other day in the ranch theater that the guy from the Lethal Weapon movies (Riggs, I think. Not that shorty Joe Pepsi guy.) made, all about how Jesus didn't actually speak Englishe at all and that he was kind of a treehugger and that he was killed by the Jews. What a mindjob that was.

Out.

Ahhhhghnold!

Looky here, Rove tells me I need to keep my pie hole shut about all this business going on in Califonia. He says it could be very good for us, but that we need to keep up the impression that we're unbiased and -- how did he put it -- that we're not pulling the strings.

Screw that.

Arnold is da man! Remember that time in the movie Twins where he was learning to drive and he ended up going on two wheels before stopping right in a parking space? Damn, I must have tried to do that a hundred times, and I never could. I tell you this little story to illustrate how much I like Arnold. Ahhhhnold. Ahhghnold. Yes.

Now that I'm on the WWW (that's world wide web to you), I've been searching high and low for stuff. And boy did I find some of Ahhhhhgggnnhooolddd.

You're a fag if you looked at that for more than one second.

Hah har, just jokin. I have something similar in my workout room to help get me motivated to hit the weights.

Slow the hell down

Listen, I don't know what kind of language some of you people use in the semi-privacy of your own home, but the official language of this here world wide web is englishe.

Take one of the very helpful comments to my last post, for instance:

OmG~!!!11 gReAt WeBbIe LuV tHe LaYoUt. ViSiT mInE pLz KtHx RoFlMaOiEzZzZ~!!!!111

I ran this by Laura, Rove, Uncle Dick, and even Daddy, and none of them has a clue what this means or who we could pull from the "War on Terror which will Hopefully Get Me Elected" at the CIA to help translate it.

However, not understanding the little people has never stopped me before...

Howard Dean's Evil Commercial

So I'm sitting in my ranch's spacious living room trying to catch up on old Dukes of Hazzard reruns, and on the TV appears none other than my rival, my nemesis Howard Dean.

Why he'd waste the money on a commercial in Texas is beyond me, but I have a feeling the short putz is trying to send me a message.

That's why I quickly got to work on my own commercial to counter his message. I found a box of construction paper and scissors and I filmed my own music video with a stop-motion camera that the SS guys bought me. Here it is. Eat your heart out, Howie.

Wee Haaa!

I finally got my daughters' Commmodoore 64 hooked up on the net! I'm the most powerful man on Earthe and now I'm on the net, baby! Watch out, Dean.