May 27, 2003

White House: Ari Fleischer’s insider knowledge of the Bush Administration represents a real threat to our security

Washington — White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer has announced he is stepping down after 21 years in government, exhausted from the task of keeping embarrassing Bush administration secrets from the public while displaying a vast contempt for the media at large.

“I… Just… Can’t… Take it anymore,” said a deflated Fleischer at his final press briefing. “I don’t care what they do to me, I just can’t go on. Please make it stop now,” he added before being whisked away by members of the Secret Service.

A little-known order by President Bush last March makes it a crime for any White House insider to leave his or her position. Fleischer’s role in the current administration clearly makes him the most high-profile member to try to get out of the Bush White House.

“Think of the information that he’s been given over the years,” said a White House official. “He knows everything about the 9/11 investigation and Cheney’s energy meetings, not to mention the truth about the whole ‘pretzel incident.’”

“He just knows too much,” said another.