WASHINGTON — President George W. Bush has commanded all citizens to celebrate the 4th of July today, a holiday formerly known as Independence Day. Messages in newspapers around the country and special programs on television echoed the President’s decree, calling for massive fireworks demonstrations and the consumption of beer.

The President spoke to the nation yesterday, urging all Americans to stand up together in independence, saying, “On July 4, 1776, our Founders adopted the Declaration of Independence, creating a great Nation and establishing a hopeful vision of liberty and equality that endures today. I, George W. Bush, am the culmination of 227 years of struggle for freedom and opportunity for all. You’re welcome.”

While most Americans will celebrate this day properly with fireworks, cookouts, and country music, a few “historians” have forced their twisted version of the 4th of July on patriotic Americans.

“Historically, Independence Day, as it used to be known, was a time for Americans to appreciate the acquisition of freedom from a ruling government,” said one radical anarchist historian. “And let’s not forget the French, who helped us in war against the British. Without them, we wouldn’t be the country we are today.”

Despite the negative liberal reaction to the 4th of July, decent Americans will gather today to thank God almighty for their freedom. “I’m celebrating for America’s independence from the rest of the world,” one eager American said. “The explosion of this M-80 I’m about to light sums up my feelings on this matter better than I ever could.”