May 26, 2003

President Bush: “While it warms the hell out of my cockles to think that a fat black man would be the nation’s choice, we all know that this result was possible only after some election hanky-panky by his supporters.”

WASHINGTON — As the nation reacts to Wednesday’s outcome of the annual American Idol election, which named Ruben Studdard as the unofficial winner, Bush administration officials are planning to contest the results with a combination of swift legal work alongside a massive public relations blitz.

According to officials, a FOX affiliate in Palm Beach, FL had called the American Idol election for Mr. Aiken before a different result was broadcast nationally. Republicans are citing this as a main reason for their concerns, and discount today’s reports that a cousin of Clay Aiken forced the FOX channel to announce the unverified result in their favor.

George H. W. Bush’s former secretary of state James Baker held the first of many press conferences on the matter, saying “Mr. Aiken won the count. Mr. Aiken won a recount. The country is going down a very dangerous path here, and it’s safe to say this is shaping up to be the biggest constitutional crisis we’ve had in, say, three years.”

Republican operatives from Washington were already on the ground in Los Angeles, protesting Ryan Seacrest’s announcement last night that Clay Aiken lost by 130,000 votes.

“What about the overseas votes? How dare American Idol cut off the military vote! This is a disgrace!” one Senate-aide shouted.